i want to be a pornstar.

i think the greatest actors in the world are pornstars, they are able to detached themselves from emotional ties during the most intimate of all activities; sex!

i mean, they can severed their souls from getting attached to those they consummate with. its just part of work after all. but really who can go on boinking with people and not get touchy-feeling? i don't think anyone can. so i guess that's were marriage comes into the picture. its a safeguard for men and women from getting severed emotionally with people they slept with. its ok to have sex with your husband/wife 'cos at the end of the day, its them you love; and its ok too to love them and cherish them and to miss them your whole life cos hey, you're suppose to. there's no fear of being rejected of love once you slept with your spouse. (though on some occasion its the otherwise .. but lets not go there).

why am i talking about this? well i wish i can just switch off my emotions whenever i feel like it. thus going out with people would be just 'going out'. no hassle of missing someone and definately no hassle of having some sort of feeling for that particular someone just after one outing together. hurm .. thinks to think about.


stones withers through time,
eaten away by the sand,
by the wind,
by the water that drips on it.

stones crumbles little by little,
it cracks and it breaks,
within seconds, minutes or years.

the stones are hard,
but time is harder.

BTN adventure..

at first i was apprehensive on the thought that ill be attending a boot camp for 5 days straight on hearing about the things that goes on inside Biro TataNegera. but after 5 days of 5.00 am till 11.30pm activities i am here to say...


The fact that made the whole trip an enjoyable one was that i had my 'induksi' gang with me. it was those same friendly people ive met during the course in april. people ive bonded in the last 2 weeks that we were cooped up in Port Dickson.

yeah, it was a brainwashing camp to support certain political group, but they did it so well that you'll never know what hit you. honestly it was straight forward bashing of mindless watch-the-video sessions turning oneself into zombies. but it was all subtle and delicate. interwoven with the activities and the discussion that was had. in short these people were excellent in sending out covert messages. even the exam questions at the end of the camp had hidden messages.

but most of all, the one thing that i've learnt about BTN is that IM BLARDY PROUD to be MALAYSIAN. har har. seriously there was this one session after Subuh prayers which was like 6 am in the morning; they had us watching this video documentary on the fight of Independance. it had my heart in a knot. there was tears in some of the participants eye. and most of all it made me feel the goosebumps i feel during times of proudness.

if ever you are about to go for BTN, go with an open mind. be prepared to be who you are. people can't change you, its you who change yourself. anyone can tell you things and anyone can say this and that, but its up to you to decide what are the facts. digest and stand on your own 2 feet.

its one of the highlights of this my life this year so far. it made me feel that i belong somewhere in this world.

i'm already missing the fellas and girls that was my group. we had fun getting stuck in the mud up to our waist in the swamp and not to mention being chased by bees and me getting stung. not to forget too geting our picture taken at the site of Atlantuya Shariibuu's explosive death.

Dr.Aly Alias
Dr. Siti Fadhilah
Dr. Syafina
Dr. Lim
Dr. Grace
Dr. Dinesh
Dr. Raja Nurazni
Dr. Aneeza
En. Aime Rahmat
Cik Nurzalina - MARDI
En. Noor Azli - MARDI

You guys were great!


ada apa pada bintang-bintang,
yang sentiasa memerhati,
gerak-geri ku,
meniti perjalanan hidup.

ada apa pada bintang-bintang,
yang penuh dengan cerita indah,
lagi perit di dadaku,
hanya Tuhan yang tahu.

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