imploded.

the pictures aint nothing got to do with what im writing, just thought they look good.

[last night dinner, improvised chilli corn carne with nachos and baguette; abg zul loved it!]

im happiest when people loved eating what i made, looking at abg zul's face when he chomped away at my half in hour meal was something that made my tired day go away. pergh.. giler corny.

anyway .. it was delicious, made from scratch and from left overs i think its one of those dinners when you have to have friends around. the element of bonding over meals is priceless. the warmth filling inside the stomach and all weariness melts away with each bite.

highlight of the day:

aku: you ada minum ka?
patient: takda
aku: you jgn tipu saya, you ada minum ka.. ?
patient: betol saya tak minum .. sumpah doctor..
aku: siva (nama telah ditukarkan) .. you jgn tipu saya, you bau arak ok.. you ada minum ka?
patient: betol doctor saya tak minum
aku: sekali lg .. you jgn tipu saya, saya ada bau, you minum ka?
patient: ada semalam doctor.. tp hari nih takda minum..

[wtf?]

aku: SAPA SURUH YOU MINUM? YOU MAU MATI KA? HAH SIVA?
patient: takde doctor.. tp semalan saja saya minum
aku:SAYA TAK KISAH SEMALAM KE, MINGGU LEPAS KE, ARI NIH KE, SAPA SURUH YOU MINUM? ADA SAYA SURUH YOU MINUM?
patient: takde doctor..
aku: HABIS TUH?

[stress aku dibuatnya]

aku: you setahun minum metadon mcm ni jugak! .. bila mau berubah? hah?! apa lg you nak? kalau ada masalah you come and talk to me atau sapa-sapa..
patient: sorry doctor..
aku: sorry? berapa kali nak sorry? hah?! tahun lepas you berapa kali dah mintak sorry ngan saya? bosan aku mcm ni .. kenapa you nak susahkan diri you? you minum nih ingat bagus ka? boleh kasi sihat?
patient: kawan juga yg kasih doctor.. saya tak mau tp dia jugak suruh minum ..
aku: you jgn nak salahkan kawan you!! takkan kawan bagi tahi u makan jugak? bodoh sgt ke?! saya tahu you tak bodoh! you ada akal ada otak, jgn bg alasan mcm tuh!

[suara dah kuat dah nih .. uitm students who came to watch me dispense, dispersed else where..suddenly the dragon arised]

aku: kenapa you mau minum hah? you tgh kerja you minum? apa macam? mcm mana nak jaga kalau you mabuk-mabuk? hah? you jgn bazirkan trust / kepercayaan yg boss bg kat you. you paham tak apa jd bila you dah mabuk? you nak kene buang kerja ke? come on lah siva, you dah 30 tahun. this is the new year, ubah la diri you sikit. boleh tak? program ni 2 tahun je. kalau setahun lg tak jd apa2 we all boleh je buang you dari program nih. to change comes from inside, diri you sendiri yang nak berubah. make a small change at least. make the initiative.

[sive head bowed down, he was wiping his eyes on his sleeves, i toned down my voice at this part]

aku: come on la... you jgn jd mcm nih, you sakit sekarang nih. ok? you jgn bodoh sgt percaya kan org ke? YOU ARE NOT STUPID SIVA! SERIOUSLY YOU'RE NOT. OK?

at this point he was crying and i was tired. i stopped scolding him, gave him his drug and refused to supply his take away doses. he got angry and resorted to threatening to take heroin again at which point i said 'AMIK LA!' and when off to see the doctor.

the psychiatrist called me up and i explained and she said 'i agree with you'.

then he came down again, wanting to take the take away dose for 3 days, i refused and told him i give him 1 and he has to come again on saturday. he got angrier and said 'you eksyen ah skang'.

i wanted to tell him 'FUCK YOU'. but i was already raising my voice infront of all the other patients so i didnt and he left.

demn ungrateful patient.