remembrance..

i wanted to right about remembrance, a progression of what i earlier wrote long ago..

its 3 months after my friend's death, her death surprised us all. well what death does not? (terminally ill don't count alright). her death was like a wake up call from some us whos happy slumbering away with life, just going by day by day and spending the time given to us lazily. i suppose i was one of those people, stuck in a past, frozen in the moment and terrified of the future.

but i am not anymore, sometimes i do do some reflections of the past, and now i live the present and plan the future.

there was a rumour that my late friend's diary surfaces. she by all those that knows her and i suppose i can testify to that; is a mysterious person. she kept things to her self when others bares everything to her self, especially me (sort of). she would laugh, she would smile and she would frown but all that are deceptive to what she was inside, and its this thought that made me sigh with a little hope that perhaps i have done enough while she was living. we are by all account keepers of our hearts. there are thoughts and feelings that we leave for ourself to know only.

as i heard about her diary, a secret little thought crept up, and i wanted to know 'was i ever mentioned by her'. i dreamt of seeking out this dossier secrets to decode her life and find out if ever my name is printed in those precious pages that binds her past life together.

the living worries with being remembered but does the dead cares at all?

the picture was from an MMS she sent 2 weeks before her death, it was out of the blue and so suddent. i had never gotten an MMS from her before, we did sms time to time. she didnt tell me much about whats going on in her life, she always seemd happy to me, so selfless that she did spent an entire dinner with me alone. bearing me for the whole nite eating our favourite tandoori chicken. i wasn't an easy person, complicated is understated more like tangled like ball of yarn after a kitten finished playing with it.

i wanted to badly know if ever written in her handwriting my name, to be mentioned by her in her thoughts; her private exclussive thoughts. perhaps on her solitary island in her head i was a name that she carved out on the palm trees amongst others that had made significant influences.

but as i thought more and more of this feeling to be recognized by her i feel its a quest that will never end, for one reason only that is she's gone. why conjure up the ghost of her past just for me to feel better about myself? after all she did gave me that MMS. she did think of me, and she does remember me. even for a brief period of time. during her busy schedule of work and living and life, she did had a little time to remember me; and i suppose that is better than looking for a name that was never written.

i must not be selfish, as she never was. i must move on.

...and as we celebrate death for the passing of the time since her departure, we must celebrate the begining of life itself. time has taken away my attention and made me see nothing of my present but blur visions. i have lost track of time by running away from it, i have tried to beat time by making it run faster than i am in the hope that the shites would past on quickly. but by doing just that i have forgotten what is there to remember, the importants things in life that i shoud remember; birthdays.

so as i humbly type out this words i must apologize sincerely to my friend for forgetting his 23rd birthday. i hope and pray that the life that you will lead would make a man out of you. a man strong to lead, a man compassion to love; a man all in all.

happy birthday...